As a tribute to my love of seafood, I decided to make a batch of Cheddar Bay Biscuits this week. For anyone who doesn’t know, Cheddar Bay Biscuits are the best part about going to Red Lobster, which is the only place I’ve seen in the Midwest that serves seafood that isn’t sushi.

The biscuits at Red Lobster are fluffy, wonderful bundles of cheesy goodness that I could eat as a meal by themselves. Spoiler: my attempt at Cheddar Bay Biscuits do not fit that description, no matter how deceivingly delicious they look.

First, let’s start with where I found the recipe for these things, because it wasn’t part of my conventional process. Usually, it nears time to post my blog, and I go “oh no,” and then I look at my bank account to see how much money I have to go grocery shopping and once again say “oh no.” Then, I search “easy recipes” that include some ingredient in my fridge that is about to expire, and I pick a recipe that has 5 ingredients or less.

This time, it was different.

I was watching cooking videos on YouTube the other day, and I came across a strange genre of relaxing instructional cooking videos. Most of the time they are just silent videos of people filming themselves cooking, which I don’t exactly find helpful, but then I came across this video: (Warning: don’t watch this if you’re weirded out by people whispering.)

ASMR Baking: Red Lobster Style Cheddar Bay Biscuits

Suddenly, I was inspired. Maybe it was because she used cat-shaped measuring cups in the video, or maybe it was because the end product looked just as delicious as mine did. They could have actually been disgusting, much like mine turned out to be.

Anyway, let’s go over my Cheddar Bay Biscuit-making process and point out all the times I went wrong.

Reasons I failed #1: From this photo, you can see that my oven is extremely old. It takes about 30 minutes to fully pre-heat and it burns everything.

First off, start by pre-heating your oven to 450 degrees. This was actually a good move, probably the only good move I made during this process. Although, in retrospect, the biscuits were a little burnt on the bottom, so maybe turn down the oven just a tad.

The next step is to get out all of the ingredients. For this recipe, you are going to need the following:

  1. 1/2 cup whole milk (I used skim, which was a mistake)
  2. About 1/3 cup melted butter
  3. A heaping 1/4 cup mild cheddar cheese
  4. 1/2 tbs. baking powder
  5. 1/2 tbs. sugar
  6. 1/2 tbs. garlic powder
  7. 2 big pinches of salt
  8. 1/4 teaspoon parsley flakes
  9. 1 cup all-purpose flour

This is where things get weird, ya’ll. The next step is to mix dry and wet ingredients together in separate bowls. In the first bowl, mix in baking powder, sugar, garlic powder, flour and half of the salt. Now, if one were to look at the photos above, they might ask “Lauren, what’s with the red stuff in the dry ingredient bowl?”

The explanation for this is that I found a recipe that told me to add chili powder for an extra kick, and thought I’d try it out and stray a little from the original recipe I started with. Don’t do that. Not everything needs extra spice.

In the second bowl, mix the milk (I stress the use of WHOLE milk) and melted butter.

The next steps is to mix those two bowls together gradually. The most important part about biscuits, I’ve heard, is to never over-mix the dough. So, I followed those rules and my dough ended up looking like the floury mess above. However, I fixed it by adding in extra cheese, which is always the solution.

Split that dough into about 6 smaller balls and lay them out on a baking pan, then throw that in the oven for about 10-12 minutes. If your oven is a death trap like mine and burns everything, leave them in for about 8 minutes.

When the biscuits come out of the oven, they may or may not be edible, but they will be Instagram-ready. As far as what was wrong with these when I tasted them, they were definitely more garlicky than cheesy, and they were way too dry. I attribute that to my use of skim milk.

The only part of this that wasn’t a failure was the killer presentation.

P.S., the bottoms are completely charred. A+ for angles.